Something really bothered me the other day. Or rather, let’s say a random collision of events collectively bothered me. Here is the story.
Recently, there was some viral video I came across while scrolling aimlessly on Instagram or TikTok after the kids went to sleep. It was of a mom handing a plate of food to her young child with the phrase "U piss me off" spelled out in letter shaped chicken nuggets. It made me giggle but then I promptly scrolled on to the next video and probably wouldn't have given it another thought.
Except a few days later, I came across another post on Instagram that was just a graphic with the words "Children are not a burden" written on it. In the caption it mentioned that exact viral video of the "U piss me off" chicken along with some other posts that I hadn't seen, but had the same gist.
I stared, feeling bothered, for a few moments at the "Children are not a burden" post. It called out those other posts as being reflections that those parents had 'internal work to do' and honestly, since I understood the tiredness of the other parents, it felt like it was also telling me I had internal work to do. (Which I probably do, by the way, but I'd rather not have someone who doesn't really know me tell me that.)
I thought back to that chicken nugget post, and just don’t see the offense. As I recall the child was too young to read and as a mom, we've all had a day that we feel overwhelmed and maybe a little bit pissed off. If someone tells you otherwise, I'd bet they are lying. Also, who knows if this was just made for social media. The point is, I don't know that mom's full story. I don't get to bring my judgement on her. I'm of the mindset that I just enjoy the post (or not) and move on.
I really don't think that "Children are not a burden" mom was trying to make anyone feel inadequate. But I felt that way. I was going to just scroll on past this post as well, but felt the need to write something and address unrealistic expectations for parents (most often for mothers.)
First, let's talk about the word burden. A burden is quite literally, a duty or responsibility potentially with the added meaning of something oppressive or worrisome. I love my children fiercely, but sometimes I feel the heavy load of parenting and putting someone else's needs in front of my own on a consistent basis. Is that a responsibility? Yes. Is it sometimes oppressive and/or worrisome? For sure.
At the same time, I also love parenting and try to enjoy all of the time as best as I can. Parenting is a conundrum. I love to spend time with the children. But I also need regular breaks for my sanity. I like them to figure things out for themselves and to do things on their own. But sometimes we have a place we've got to be. At a certain time. I could go on and on with these diametrically opposed parenting moments.
So what do we expect of mothers? Where is our outlet to be creative and maybe just let some steam off? Do we really have to lock ourselves in a bathroom or closet? As I read recently:
"Society started referring to moms as superheroes because it was easier to sit back and let us do everything while making it seem like a compliment rather than taking things off our plates, or actually stepping up and helping us."
I also attribute some of my initial visceral reaction to having just finished the book "The School for Good Mothers" by Jessamine Chan. Visions of a Big Brother/jail like school for 'bad mothers' are still fresh in my head. If we hold mothers up to unrealistic expectations are we predetermining their failure?
I understand gentle parenting in its concept. But I see double standards as well. If we worry about how kids respond to us pointing out what we think their failures are, why are we not concerned about how mom's (or any adult) might respond when you point out your thoughts on their failures? Do we work with kids to manage 'big feelings' and teach that it's ok to be sad sometimes and angry sometimes, but also live with expectations that mothers should never be angry or sad?
I'm not ok with those double standards. Sometimes I get frustrated and angry. Sometimes I feel sad. Sometimes I say things I shouldn't. I teach my kids that we are all human, and we all make mistakes. I say I'm sorry a lot. But I will not teach them to have unreal expectations for mothers or parents in general. I feel like that will only make it harder for them to be a loving parent and/or partner when the time comes.
And guess what? All of this is just my opinion. When it comes to your parenting methods for your children and your house - you do you. You want to vent about a very bad day? Give me a call. I can always share a story of my parenting journey to make you feel less alone. And there is no judgement. Or maybe just read this, disagree, and scroll on.
Ending with a quote from Jessamine Chan's book:
I am a bad mother, learning to be good.